Introduction to negotiation: Never Split The Difference

Never Split the difference

by Chriss Voss with Tahl Raz

We might not realise or be aware but at some level we all are negotiators. We are always negotiating, with our friends, family, our children and also ourselves. Not many of us realise the value addition this particular skill can bring to our lives. If you are someone who feels that negotiation is difficult and only a select few gifted people are blessed to be good at it, then you cannot be further from the truth.

“Never split the difference” a book by Chris Voss with Thal Raz is one such book that gives us some of the tools and techniques that are employed by some of the very best negotiators in the world. The author himself who has been a hostage negotiator with the FBI has used his extensive field experiences, where stakes are extremely high to give us a glimpse of how to be an all persuasive person and get our counterpart to say what we want him to say. The methods that have been used in life and death situations hold good even in our daily lives and have the potential to add value to ourselves both professionally and personally.

The image of a hawk-eyed the negotiator who always drives a hard bargain against his unwilling counterparts is something that many of us have in our head. This is primarily a media creation; successful negotiators are excellent in reading their opponent. They skillfully manage their and other's emotions to disarm the other side. Negotiation the author says is the art of creating value out of conflict. Here we let the other side have our way.

One of the first things we need to develop is called tactical empathy where we need to put ourselves in our opponent's place and understand his emotions. We might not agree with what is being said but, we need to understand as to why someone is saying it.. It is not about agreeing but understanding. The tone of our voice should be a comforting one, like a late-night RJ voice that puts the other person at ease with us. Active listening is to be practised so that we not only listen to what is being said but careful attention must be given to the tone and body language of the other person. Now we are introduced to the technique called mirroring where we just repeat what is said to us, at least one to three words that we hear. This unconsciously builds a rapport that leads to trust and shows to our opponent that we are similar and alike your counterpart.

Another technique we are introduced is called labelling where we label the emotion of the other person. This is a very useful tool that helps in diffusing a negative situation. We are looking for clues as to how a person is feeling and identify his emotional state, once done then label it with questions like:

It seems like........

It sounds like...........

It looks like........

Once you have thrown a label be quiet and listen and wait for the other person to reveal himself. Extensive research has shown that when we label an emotion then we feel less threatened by the negative consequences, at the same time, this exercise will make our counterpart more relaxed as we are validating his emotions.

Another form of labelling is the accusation audit where list out the worst thing that the other can say about you and say it before the other side, this seemingly negative behaviour, give you more credibility and your opponents fear less forbidding. This is akin to a defence lawyer mentioning loudly everything that his client is accused of.

While we would love to hear a yes early in our negotiating efforts, the author puts a high premium on the word no. This more than anything else signifies control that all humans love. It is the power to hear no, and more importantly the power your counterpart has to say no that will make him feel safe and in control. Every no you hear is a step closer towards a final yes. Calmly hearing no has a tremendous effect in bringing down barriers for beneficial communication. It signifies that the other party is engaged in thinking, making them much more open to options and ideas.

As negotiators, we are looking to influence the thinking and behaviour of the other person. Two magic words that we need the opponent to say are “That’s right”. The journey that begins with active listening and ends with influencing the behaviour of your counterpart. The two words said to signify that the other side has started seeing things from your perspective and he is opening up to change even he is not aware of. The author calls them two sweetest words in any negotiation. He places more value on these words than a yes. Here is when breakthroughs happen. To get to this stage we need to employ all tactics like mirroring, active listening, labelling, paraphrasing and summarising what has been said. This shows that we understand the other side, his concerns. Once done in most of the time you will hear "that's right". In numerous life and death situations, the author has found that these two words often lead to the best outcomes. However, be warned if you hear "You are right” then probably the other side is not listening to you and is stalling for time.

As human beings, it’s natural for us to seek avoidance of conflict, and compromise, that is splitting the difference. It is possibly the worst outcomes that there is with neither party satisfied and outcomes are mediocre at best. We do it because we are afraid of losing face, driven by fear, and avoidance of pain. There will always some degree of pain, conflict and confusion we need to embrace the hard stuff because that is where the great deals are, and that is what great negotiators do.

We are introduced to the emotive side of decision making. Rational thought and logic will nudge us towards a decision however the final decision is always from the emotional side of our brain. Keeping this in mind we are advised to use the word Fair very carefully. That too in a positive way. People will move mountains for you if they perceive what you say is fair even if it is painful. You need to cultivate a reputation for being fair as many times your reputation will precede you. If used against you do not get suckered into giving a concession but ask them to explain as to how they perceive that you are being unfair.

Human beings are incredibly loss averse; we will go to great lengths to avoid a potential loss than do the same for a profit, so make your counterpart see the loss that he will incur by inaction. We need to anchor the emotions(accusation audit) of the other side in such a way that they realise how bad it will be for them should they not take your offer.

We need to create an illusion of control for the other side. For this, it must seem to him that he is the one dictating our terms. A great way for our counterpart to think for us is the use of calibrated open-ended questions. The aim is to get the other person to work for you and give you a solution that you want. Negotiation is coaxing not overcoming: co-opting not defeating. These questions remove aggressiveness and without resistance let you introduce ideas and requests without sounding pushy. Suddenly you will convert a showdown to a joint problem-solving session. Uses of verbs like How, What, Who, When in questions like:

How am I supposed to do that?

How would you like to proceed?

What is the objective?

How can we solve this problem?

 Notice that there is no Yes or No type answer to these questions and answering them will give a feeling of control to the others along with thinking for you.

All techniques work only if you have emotional control over yourself, failing with every negotiation will be a disaster. If required at times we need to bite our tongue and whatever happens, do not counter-attack when verbally assaulted. When people think they are not in control then the hostage mentality takes over and they demonstrate their lack of power by lashing out or becoming extremely defensive.

Further on we are introduced to the 7-38-55 per cent rule, where what we say accounts for only 7 per cent, our tone of voice accounts for the 38 per cent and body language for 55 per cent. So read the signs that the someone is giving and take care that your tone and body language is not contradicting your words.

At times we have to get down to brass tracks and roll our sleeves and bargain hard. Here too we are asked to do research and have a price beforehand that we are willing to pay. In the technique called Ackerman bargaining, your first offer must be 65 per cent of the final price that you are willing to pay. Increase your offer in decreasing increments to 85, 95 finally 100 per cent. Use lots of empathy and no in the process. Finally, have the final figure as an odd number. Needless to say, this level requires a good amount of preparation. As the author says  “When pressure is on, you don’t rise to the occasion; you fall to the highest level of preparation”.

Towards the end of the book, we are asked to look for the Black Swans. These pieces of information can change the negotiation dynamic. This information is outside our regular experiences. In every negotiation, each side has at least three Black Swans, these three pieces of information if known to the other side would change everything. The key to finding is research and being open to new ideas. At times your counterpart will have pieces of information whose value they do not understand. Generally, if some word or action defies logic to you, that might be a good place to start looking for this information.

Human beings generally are averse to conflicts. They fear that the tone of their voice will escalate into personal attacks People in close relationships often compromise across to accommodate the other one, they fold, grow bitter and grow apart. There are examples of marriages ending in divorces and the couple has never fought. We need to embrace open honest conflict. Your counterpart is also a human being and he deserves to be treated as such. By using empathy and calibrated questions we are also helping the other person discover what he wants. We are looking for the best possible deal, not to strong-arm, or humiliate someone. Our aim must always be to uncover value, something that is beneficial for both sides. Every moment of life is a small conflict if managed well can give us a creative and fulfilling life.