SOUR GRAPES; A MENTAL MODEL FOR FAILURE
A
MENTAL MODEL FOR FAILURE
There
is nothing in the world that one cannot do, however, to do everything is a
different matter. You will come across situations in life where success will
elude you, no matter how much you try. It could be because of some external factor, event
or a person, or simply because you were not up to the mark (THIS TIME). Unless
you are exceptionally gifted, lucky and both at the same time in many of your
endeavours you will have had to face disappointment.
As days pass by and life seems to slip by many of us rue over that fact as to what we could have been or achieved. We pat ourselves on the back on our achievements and self-flagellate ourselves on our misfires. We are often guilty of tying our sense of self with what position, authority, and money we have achieved.
Tying the definition of success or failure to an objective is fine and works most of the time. For example a military mission or a corporate project. Doing the same thing in our daily lives exposes us to unnecessary agony, and self doubt. This is life, it is not perfect and is certainly not fair. What if we did not have to live this way if we could be happy despite all our external achievements or failures? Does a super-achiever have to be happier than someone who is not so, and why should happiness not be a right for everybody. The answer lies in the way we think, and perceive our reality. The Mental models that we choose to adopt, and believe.
MENTAL MODELS:
Wikipedia defines Mental models as an explanation of someone's thought process about how something works in the real world. It is a representation of the surrounding world, the relationships between its various parts and a person's intuitive perception about his or her own acts and their consequences. It is the way we think about the world around us, our values and what really we hold dear in our lives. There is no correct or incorrect mental model it is all up to your beliefs and needs. The important thing is not whether you have the correct mental model; rather does the mental model work for you. Choosing the correct model has a direct bearing on how we experience life and reality. You all think that you are experiencing the reality; however it is not the; but a reality, one of the many that are around you shaped by your beliefs and perceptions. If that be true then you can change your reality by changing your beliefs and perceptions. It does not matter what anyone tells you or feels about your reality, the power to define .change and experience your reality is yours and yours alone. This can give you peace; contentment or happiness. This will also help you in building resilience and fortitude that will help you in bouncing back from any setback.
SELF ASSESSMENT:
The first step in adopting a healthy way of thinking is doing what is called a deep self-assessment. Though we must realistically look inwards care should be taken that we don’t self depreciate our own self. Certainly meditating will help this process better. A clear objective impassionate self-appraisal is what we need. No grandiose images about our abilities at the same time take care not to belittle our self. This along with what we want or desire should include defining what you can do, and how much can you do. I will stick my neck out when I say this that in our hearts we all know what we are made up of. The answers that we seek to find about ourselves are all with us already. If this does not resonate with your way of thinking then, I apologise but I really believe that this is true. So take your time, look inwards and discover yourself. Also simple as it may sound it is not a one day process; this is an iterative process that will evolve with time spent.
ACTION AND EXECUTION:
This self exercise will give us an idea regarding what we can do, and how much we can do. That said we now need to take action towards the fulfilment of our goals. An ounce of action is better than a pound of theory. This action which is aligned with our strengths and limitations will give us a better shot at achieving whatever we set out to do. The self-assessment exercise has one more purpose; that is identifying what is truly important to us. Doing everything that we want may not be such a good idea, we need to be clear about things that we are willing not to be good at and focusing on things that really matter. Warren Buffet calls it the 5/25 rule. Where you write the 25 most important things that we want to do and then identify the five most important ones. You should never even look at that remaining 20. This is an effective tool to prioritize our goals and achieve constant progress in life.
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SOUR GRAPES:
I really, wish I could say that after the two steps mentioned above life will be one big conquest for you. That you will become a super-achiever, who will be an inspiration and example for all to emulate, but you all know that it is not true. There are so many random variables that lie between our effort and result that things might still go south. If you can find someone or something to pin your failure then you at least have a psychological net around you. It may well be that you were simply not good enough, and the thought could hurt you even more. Here the way you define your reality will help you to love and accept yourself again. Beliefs and perceptions define how we see the world. Guess what there is good news for you... the power to change your beliefs and your perception lies entirely with you. At times the core beliefs that we have in our heart have outlived their purpose and are holding us back. Let me give you an example, I have always believed that I am a very brave and bold person who can take risks and is not afraid of anything. Great self-affirmation; however recently I realised that I don't have to be so brave. If let's assume I am less courageous what options do I have? Think calmly, clearly, don't be impulsive, see the other's point of view etc. Though my old sense of self would have sniggered at the new me, calling this new guy timid, changing my core belief system has made me a more composed human being. (at least most of the time).So I will say again you need to change your perceptions and beliefs to create your new reality, the one that suits you. If something that you aspired or failed then it was a case of SOUR GRAPES. This is a mental model to move on, burn the bridges and continue the journey of life in search of meaning and happiness. Understand what you did, was your best and you will continue to be good where ever you are.
I am no way advocating that you throw the towel and sit back and accept life as it comes. We must always strive to become the best version of ourselves. We need to be agile in managing our expectations and a goal that still gives us a sense of fulfilment in our lives. There are a few high-level goals in life, much like a mission statement. They will not be subject to much change however you can always have more than one path to reach these goals. Keep looking you will be pleasantly surprised by what you may find inside yourself.
We live in an advancing world and it there is nothing seriously wrong you can expect to have a relatively long life. There is time for all of us, to achieve a lot here. You need to, use your experiences and wisdom and believe that tomorrow will be better than today. This is a journey which we all are a part of, let us all stop living life like an emergency. Experiencing life as it is with all its ups and downs is all there is to do in this world.
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No setback is final, if we learn from it, and continue forward. If any failure has given you a lesson, insight or a relationship, then it is nothing but a stepping stone to a new future. Fail fast; learn fast, fail fast, learn fast that is all we need to do. This cyclic approach which is almost ritualistic in nature will eventually make us what we were meant to become. Also in pursuit of trying to achieve, we must not lose sight of things that really matter, good health, family, and being loved and understood. No amount of material success is worth more than these. These might not sound cool to many but believe me in the end only this matters. Let us all step back and look objectively around us, try to do what we can and experience this lovely gift of life that has been given to us.
